Cynsspace

When the Wind Changes Direction

Don’t you love that feeling when you are out for a run and, after fighting the wind for miles, you turn around and let the wind blow you back home? Other times, we aren’t quite so lucky and turn around to find that the wind that we thought we were running into was the tailwind, which means that running back is going to be that much harder.

Emotions can be like that too. Almost anyone who lives with a teen has experienced the noise which can follow them home from school, similar to the sounds of an explosion after a 747 has crash landed in your living room. As adults, we are better at controlling our emotions. We can run with the feeling of the wind being on our back for months or years on end until, without any warning, a plane crashes into our home and leaves us feeling broken.

Last night, I got my results from the MRI of my hip. This was requested months ago, at the end of October, and I finally had imaging done at the beginning for January. Since I had started running again, I thought about cancelling it, but my husband and son both said, “Why not? It’s only going to give you more information.” So I went ahead with it, hoping that I would find out exactly why it still hurts when I run.

I got what I wanted – and more. First, I learned something new; there is a tear in the labrum. The doctor says I don’t need to worry about that because it isn’t an area that is bothering me. Secondly, I got more information about my old friend, Izzy. While I thought that Izzy had moved out, she is lying low and creating havoc. There is inflammation between the gluteal insertion at the tuberosity, which is diagnosed as enthescopathy. This seems to be caused by osteo-arthritis, which is starting to show in the hip, and by overuse from running. And, even though I thought I was getting better, the tendon at the ischial tuberosity is still partially torn. It involves less than 50% of the tendon which, to me, sound like it is between 25-50%, or the results would read “less than 25%.” So, in a nutshell, my hip is a bit of a mess.

It isn’t the hip results, though, that are weighing on me. I also got some unexpected results. A round structure was found in an organ. I’m not ready to talk about it yet, other than to say a more detailed ultrasound is in the near future.

Dr. Elliott and I looked at a treatment plan for my hip. First, I am off running, and he thinks it will be another 3 to 6 months before I will be able to again. We decided to go ahead with Platelet-Rich Plasma Therapy to strengthen the hamstrings so he sent in a referral to the specialist at McMaster Hospital. Hopefully, I can get an appointment soon.

This was a lot of information to digest. In some ways, I am not surprised by the hip results. I feel better knowing why running has been hurting, why it doesn’t feel right, and why I have been so hesitant to push myself. It’s not because my muscles are waking up; it’s because there are some structural weaknesses. I’m glad that I followed through with the MRI as now I have a concrete plan to correct the aches and pains that we know about and, I hope, eliminate the other concern.

Last night was the first night that I crawled into bed before 10:00 in a long time. I needed a quiet spot, a place to rest, a place to think. Like the plane before it crashes, I felt myself start to shake while fighting to maintain control. And then I cried. By the time I got out of bed this morning, I was over it. For now, I will salvage what I can and do what I am able.

This is a new day, filled with questions and hope and I am reminded of the words “Focus on the things you can control, not on what you can’t.” Today, I will focus on me, my thoughts and my actions. I will focus on finding inner strength and moving forward – one day at a time.

Oh, What a Feeling!

After finally being able to run consistently, every other day, for the past 3 weeks, I have a renewed energy. I can’t get too excited since running still hurts, but it isn’t the “Ow, I am broken” kind of hurt that I had all fall; nor is it the “I’m so out of shape” feeling that we often get when we have been off for a while. It’s a stiffness, a type of knot, a sensation that I really can’t describe. I like to think of it as a “healing pain” to remind me of Tammy and Izzy, my unruly tenants who moved in during the summer and fall, and of all the work that I have been doing to evict them. It’s a message to not push myself just yet – to be careful.

At my chiropractic visit on Saturday, Sandy asked how my legs and hips were feeling. “It’s just my glutes,” I told him, “and the very top of the back of my thigh. I feel like I have gone for circle.” In July, I went for a massage because those were the two areas that were bugging me, but that treatment led to a chain reaction of a tightness, pain and tears. “That’s it?” he replied. “That’s good.” “Well, my quads were killing me earlier in the week, but that’s because I am an idiot.”

You see, I am running but it isn’t enough – in terms of distance or intensity. I need more of both. While I love that I am back on the road and running, I don’t feel like I am getting much out of that time healthwise, so I am keeping up with the lunges, bridges, planks, cycling (windtrainer) and yoga that I have committed through the fall. Somehow, through my determination to get stronger and a touch of bad planning, I somehow managed to do everything within 24 hours.

On Monday night, I hit yoga class (warmed up with my bridge routine) at 6:00 and rode on my windtrainer after that. Tuesday morning, I did my 360 lunges at school, ran 5K after school and had a chiropractic treatment at 6:00, 24 hours after my Monday night yoga class. Then, to top it off, I rode for an hour before going to bed because it seemed like a good idea at the time. When I woke up the next morning, my legs were sore! But it was a good kind of sore, the kind you get when your muscles have been pushed and are tired, the kind of sore that feels better as you move around through the day, the kind of sore that feels great!

I haven’t had that feeling in months. Sandy laughed after he heard my insane description, especially with the treatment details in the middle. “You are obviously doing everything you can to get stronger and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel sore. Just overdo it.”

I don’t think there is a chance that I could ever repeat that Monday/Tuesday- at least, not in the near future. But the satisfaction of thinking about what I did makes me smile. It’s made me realize how far I have come in my overall fitness in the past 7 months and it gives me hope for chasing dreams and crushing previous times. It makes me feel great! So I won’t say “never again.” We’ll see how long it takes me to lose my mind again.

Staying a Part of Your Teen’s Life

One of the things that this injury has given me is extra time with my son. For years, during a typical school week, I would get home from work around 6:00 and head out the door to run. For the past few months, though, since I have been side-lined, I have been at home more, spending time with my recently minted teen and watching him become his own person.

When our kids are little, we spend time with them because we have to. They need us – all day long. So we do the things that we, the parents, want to do and and give them, the children, the experiences that we want them to have. Usually, these include going to parks, swimming lessons, and touristy things like visiting a museum or science centre. But as kids get older and become more independent, friendships become more important and, suddenly, they don’t need us around anymore.

I wasn’t ready for this change. My youngest has always been the child who needed me around. Now, he wants to spend time with his friends instead, either online or in real life, and understandably so. But, while he doesn’t realize it, he is still young and needs my guidance. I like being there for him; I want to be a part of his life a little bit longer.

A few weeks ago, it became obvious that he still wanted me to be a part of his life. On the weekend before his 13th birthday, while planning our schedule for the week ahead, as we always do, and I jokingly said, “Oh, look. Tuesday is open. Am I forgetting something?” To this, he smirked and replied, “I want to go see a movie.” After asking if he wanted to text a few friends to see if they could go, he replied, “Nope. I want to see Creed, and I want to go with my mommy. Just you and me.” Creed was one of the last movies on my to-see list. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather just go with friends?” I hoped. “Nope. Just you and me.” So, on his 13th birthday, we saw Creed, just like he wanted.

That’s when it hit me. If I want to stay a part of my teen’s life, I have to do the things that he wants to do, not the things that I want him to do. So, over the holidays, we went to an escape room and the Toronto Christmas Market with his friends, spent time at the indoor driving range, and snowboarded. Even though I don’t golf or snowboard or ski, I am quite happy to stand around and watch him grow and learn. I am even happier that he wants to do these things with me.

As I reflect on the past almost six months and feel sad about the times that I haven’t been able to run, I remind myself of how lucky I am to have this “gift” of time, time that I can invest in my youngest, time that belongs to my teen and me.

A Gentle Reminder

It’s been three years since my parents died and holidays are still tough, especially Christmas. Growing up, Christmas was extra special; my mom spent months planning and baking, we got dressed up for two family dinners (Christmas and Christmas Eve), sang songs and built memories to last a lifetime.

Fast forward a few decades to when I have been with Dave for more than 25 years and we have our own boys. Like most couples, we have created our own family traditions, which included spending time with my parents. Since their passing, it has just been the four of us on Christmas Day; my brothers spend Christmas with their in-laws and we get together later. This year, I needed my brothers to be a part of my Christmas Day.

As ridiculous as this may sound, my not being able to run has made this Christmas a difficult one. Year after year, I have always looked forward to the time off work and having a few decadent runs in the middle of the day; I have loved the challenge of making time to run on Christmas morning; I have been grateful for having the flexibility to run with my friends when it fits their schedules. This year, I didn’t have any of that. As much as I hoped that I would be running by Christmas, my shoes are still hanging in their cinch bag by the door.

This morning, I woke up at 7:30 and the house was still quiet. Zeda hadn’t asked me to go for a walk yet, and my two teeens were still sound asleeep. Christmas was different this year: no family, no running, and, now, no early wake-ups by my excited children. I was sad.

After walking and feeding Zeda, while waiting for her humans to wake up, I began to realize how lucky I was. Dave and the kids were all sound asleep. They weren’t driven by the need to wake up early to open their presents; they were happy. I stopped feeling sorry for myself.

I may not be able to run, but I have my health. I am injured; that’s it. I am not sick; I don’t have cancer; I’m not dying. I have my family: my husband, children and dog. We live in a well-built house, and we are safe and warm. This morning, they reminded me that we don’t have needs. They reminded me that life is good.

Focus on what you have, not what you want. Think about what lies ahead, not what you left behind. Keep dreaming and breathe because life is good.

Setbacks

On Thursday, I had a follow-up visit with Dr. Elliott. At this point, I think that Tammy and Izzy have moved back to their respective homes and are following the rules. But my right leg remains slightly tight through the upper hamstrings and that has me on my guard.

I am fairly certain that this tightness is not running-related but parenting-related. Last Saturday, I took some marking with me to my son’s soccer game. As I do at every game, I looked at the hard metal bench and thought “No way am I sitting on that,” so I stood like I usually do. But marking while standing is tough so I entertained the idea of sitting on the turf. “Nope, my pants will get dirty.” So I went into a squat and marked until I heard the whistle.

“Have I really been squatting for twenty minutes?” Slowly, I started to get up and I realized how tight my right adductor had become in that twenty minutes. Part of me was impressed that I was able to hold a squat for that long and another part of me was doing some pretty serious name-calling.

On Tuesday morning, I went out for an easy run and I could feel the tension in my adductors by the end of my first mile, along with a general tightness in what I thought was the top of the IT band. Just after I decided to turn around and head back to school, my Garmin died. “It’s a sign,” I told myself. “This run was just not suppose to happen.”

When I saw my chiropractor, he explained that my glutes are starting to work again so my adductor and tensor fasciae latae, which is next to the IT band and below the pelvis, are working to support them. Saturday’s super squat irritated them; yes, I overstretched. A few days later, when I saw Dr. Elliott, he said the same thing.

“I don’t know what else I can do,” I told him. “I’ve been doing everything right. And, then, something stupid like this happens.”

“You just need more time,” he answered. “Hamstrings take a while. Just be patient.”

Patience. I thought I was but it looks like I have to find some more. I need to take a deep breath, sigh and a step back for a little while longer. I am not willing to take any chances and, at this point, another week or two off will not make a difference. So I am looking for positives:

I have more time for my family. My oldest came home from school yesterday; my youngest has a birthday this week; Christmas is coming. Even though it means I am not running, I am grateful for the time I have with them.
I should be back on the road by next week. This is a huge advantage as I will be off work and have time to start slowly, stretch, and re-establish some running routines before I go back to work in January.
The end is near. I can feel it. In 2019, I can get back to chasing my dreams.

But I won’t just be chasing them. I’ll catch them, find new ones to go after and chase them down too. 2019, I am coming after you.

Bridge Work

I think everyone knows that lunge workouts have become one of my training habits. We have a love-hate relationship. I started doing them in late August and, by the end of October, I could feel my quads getting stronger; another month later, the physical definition in them was more obvious. My lunge workout takes time (30-40 minutes) and effort, but it is good for me.

When Izzy was finally diagnosed with a tear, Dr. Sajko added bridge work to my regime. I initially wondered where the extra time to do them was going to come from, but I listened to his instructions. Sandy has earned my trust; if he wants me to do something, I do it. Besides, I like bridges. It is one of my favourite holds at yoga.

When Sandy saw that I could do the typical bridge pose, he challenged me. “This time, lift your core, then lift one leg so that it is parallel to the other.” I did, and Sandy stepped back. “Wow, you have a strong core.” Suddenly, I felt jacked.

After working through a set of those, we bumped it up again. “This time, start with your feet together, lift your leg like you did before (parallel to the other), then lift your body up.” Basically, I was lifting myself into a bridge position with one leg. They were harder but I could do them.

I was a bit relieved to hear I only had to do 3 sets: 10 of the typical bridge, 5 (each side) of the single-leg bridge, and 5 (each side) of the lifting single-leg bridge. Finding 15 minutes is easier: before school, before yoga, even before the dog realizes that I am on the floor and tries to lick my face.

It’s been three weeks since I have added bridge work and I can feel my glutes and hamstrings getting stronger. There is still more work to be done, but this is a good start, especially when I can sense that they are forcing Tammy and Izzy to pack their bags and head out for good.

I know that working with weights to build and maintain muscle mass is in my future. Until I am 100%, though, and physically ready to start, I am happy to keep up with my lunges, bridges and whatever other rehab exercises are thrown my way.

The Waiting Game

I like to think of myself as a patient person. As a teacher, working with kids, I have to be; patience and understanding are parts of the job. And as a mom of two teenage boys, patience absolutely has to be at my side. But when it comes to me, I have always felt that Patience is not my friend. But over the past 9 weeks, I have learned to accept that “it is what it is” and to do what is right, not what I want.

When I saw Dr. Elliott in November, he suggested that it could be a while before Tammy and Izzy move out for good. “Hamstrings can take a while. It could be 8 weeks; in a worst case scenario, we’re looking at 6 months.” We talked about my starting to run again when things feel right and made a follow-up appointment for next week, which happens to be 10 weeks after Izzy the Ischial Tuberosity was torn.

Meanwhile, I have continued ART twice a week with my chiropractor. Two weeks ago, Sandy and I noticed that I wasn’t wincing when he was working on my hip and leg. At one session, he dug into the muscle so deeply that he broke a blood vessel on his thumb, which he described as a badge of honour; I felt nothing. Before I left, we talked about my returning to running as I appeared to be clinically fine, but I wasn’t mentally ready. Taking the time off to heal has been difficult and, while I felt that I was stronger and Tammy and Izzy were under control, I hesitated. I was willing to wait until my follow-up with Dr.Elliott.

But after another week of pain free treatments, I was ready. Nervous, but confident about being able to run. I waited a few days for the right conditions – daylight, warmer, and dry roads. Last Wednesday afternoon, Mother Nature was on my side and I headed out for 3 miles. And guess what? It was painless! I ran slowly but comfortably, averaging an 8:43 pace. By no means were things perfect; after all, I hadn’t run since the beginning of October. But I ran continuously, my stride felt good, my hips felt strong, and I was running. It was a start.

Today, ten days later, I have run four times with each being better than the one before. When I saw my chiropractor on Thursday, he said my hip was “perfect” and booked my next appointment for a week later. I am optimistic, but cautious. As excited as I am to be running again, I do not want to jeopardize the time and effort that I have put into healing, only to make a rash decision that could sideline me again.

Since October, there have been moments of frustration and there have been tears, but tears are a part of recovery. Keeping Patience at my side and accepting my injury have also been a part of my healing. Over the next few weeks, I need to continue to focus on doing the right thing while I start to build my mileage again – with Patience. Together, we will get to where I want to be: running, running fast, and chasing my dreams.

Product Review: Noxgear Lighthound Vest

Last November, my husband came home after walking Zeda and commented on a light that another dog in the neighbourhood was wearing. “It’s great,” he said. “You can see it all the way down the street. I want to find out where she got it.” A week later, we had a Noxgear Lighthound vest for Zeda and a Tracer 360 vest for him.

Keeping visible as we walk by a busy plaza.

I was in complete favour of putting the Lighthound on Zeda. We live in poorly lit community. If we stay in the residential section, I know how hard it is hard to see us as I have trouble seeing pedestrians, dogs and cyclists too. When we walk on the busier main roads which are better lit, we have to deal with drivers who rush to turn left or right and don’t expect to see someone walking in the dark . It can be especially dangerous when we pass the Tim Horton’s and the McDonald’s drive-throughs.

Every morning, Zeda and I are out for her morning walk – always in the dark and sometimes as early as 5:00 – and every morning, she wears her vest. We change the colours around to match my mood and her collar, which makes it fun. The lighthound has kept her (and me) safe. Drivers see us and always (and I mean always) give us the right of way; this never happened before.

I cannot say enough good things about Noxgear. Their product is excellent and their customer service is top-notch. If you are out and about with your furbaby in the dark, I highly recommend you get one.

PS: I now have a Noxgear vest to run in too, but that is another post.

The Power of Lunges

When I first saw Dr. Sajko at the end of August, he directed me towards lunges. “Do a box drill,” he said. “Run to the park and you’ve got your box.” And he proceeded to show me three types of walking lunges: straight, my front leg angled out at 45 degrees to strengthen the adductors, and cross-overs to target the gluteus. “Use the box. Do one on each side of the box.”

The next day, I jogged to the soccer field and saw several boxes: the full field, the half field, the penalty box… “Which one should I use?” I wondered. I decided to use the width of the whole field, jog along the length for recovery and repeat. By the end of the workout, I had done 6×60 sets of lunges and my legs were fried. Once I started running more, I cut back on my lunges but started again (this time indoors) after the Chicago fiasco.

After getting the results that show a tear, I asked Dr. Sajko if I should still be doing my lunges. “Why not?” he asked. After explaining my fear of stretching out the area where the tear is and injuring it more, he explained.

Think of the tear as a lifesaver. As you suck on it and as one part gets thinner, so does the rest. It works the opposite way when a tear heals. You’re building up muscle around it and as the muscle gets thicker, that will fill up the space at the end of the tear. Eventually, the whole area is filled..

The weakest part of Izzy the Ischial Tuberosity is at the V’s of my fingers. If the tear is going to get worse, that is where is it is going to happen. So building muscle around that area is going to fill in the tear until there is no empty space, help close the tear and strengthen the tendon.

Making time to lunge before school starts.

I was secretly hoping that I could take a break from lunge-days. Truth be told, though, I do like them; everything about them from finding the time to doing them (and properly) can be a challenge, and I always finish feeling great. Just don’t tell my chiropractor.

Introducing Izzy

After 6 weeks of waiting, I finally have an answer; it’s a tear and, yes, it is a real pain in the butt.

My official diagnosis is a partial tear of the tendon at the ischial tuberosity. In October, when that first came up as a possibility, I asked, “The what? Did you just make that name up?” It is real. There are three hamstring muscles and one leads to the ischial tuberosity, which is at the top of the femur but under the gluteus Maximus – basically, at the sitbone. When we sit, the glutes pull up and leave the sitbone to dig down. With the tear that I have, sitting kills. This week, I almost feel like I could start to run, but with sitting bring as painful as it is, I know I can’t run yet.

3mm deep – between the height of 2 dimes and 2 nickels

It is obvious that I tore my ischial tuberosity at the beginning of October. After 6 weeks of healing, it currently measures 6mm by 4mm by 3mm; I wish that I could tell how big it was when I first started.

The first thing I did when I got home was text my kinesiology student, who replied with “LOL. The old tuberosity, eh. I literally had my hands on one an hour ago.” After a few messages back and forth, I decided to name it – something with a harsh sound, but one that Tammy the Hamstring would like. I decided on “Izzy, the Ischial Tuberosity.” Can’t you imagine Tammy and Izzy hanging out together?

Messaging my son gave me another idea. I had to make a model of the tear so that I could understand it better. Suddenly, the pain I have had makes sense as I imagine a gap or a hole in my tendon that needs to be filled.

Dr. Elliott, my sports medical doctor, said that healing can take up to 6 months, but he doesn’t think it will take that long. “You’re in a lot better shape than most people at this point,” he said. “It will probably be another month.” I don’t need surgery, which is great. Dr. Elliott suggested a cortisone shot, but I want to stay away from that as cortisone can break down tissue. PRP (platelet rich plasma) therapy is another option, but it won’t speed up healing; it does, though, strengthen the tendon. While that still sounds appealing, it comes with a hefty price tag (up to $2000) and there isn’t enough evidence to prove its effectiveness. I will continue to research that, though, and sit on it (haha!) for a while. At this point, my answer is ‘no’.

Meanwhile, I will continue to do what I am as it is obviously helping. And now that I know exactly what the problem is, I can work with my chiropractor and coach to get me running again and, hopefully, ready to race in a few months.