I really do love you but, for the past month, you have been annoying me beyond belief. I know you’re mad at me for everything that I put you through during the winter and spring, but enough is enough. I have told you many times that I am sorry; I wish you would listen.
What else must I do to make it up to you, dear Gastroc? I have smeared you with oozing blue gel, wrapped you in ice, covered you in a cold, wet cloth, dug my fingers deep into the folds of your skin and palpitated you. I have really, really tried to make sure that you don’t have to do anything except sit back and enjoy the ride – even though I’m starting to find 6 weekly hours in one position a bit boring. Oh, Gastroc, please, can’t we move on?
I understand that you were jealous, that you needed me to spend more time with you. Since realizing that, I have spoiled you with physiotherapy,wooed you with prescription drugs and, next week, I have an extra special trip to Burlington planned for us.
Couldn’t you just accept my apology? There are so many wonderful things that we can plan for in the fall, but not if you keep going this way. The first of greats on my list is spending a hot and steamy night with you on Ward’s Island. Think about how exciting that would be.
Come on, Gastroc, please, please… I’m ready for you. Hurry! Before it’s too late!